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Death Valet Prologue Script

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Ladies and Gentlemen, behold! Before you lies the prologue script for Death Valet…I hope you enjoy it, I’ve written it for weeks and I’m quite pleased with my work.

After reading, if you can, please leave a review, I’d very much love to see how good this story is.
Also, if you’re interested in some extra info, check the description below.


Page 1 Panel 1
(The camera opens up to a black background, nothing is seen but the word balloons.)
Winston (tailless): My dad once told me “Son, this world is a far weirder place than any of us know.”
Winston (tailless): Looking back, my old man was right…except he forgot the fact it also loves to fuck your life up too.
Page 1 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to a closeup shot of one of the tires on Winston’s car as it speeds on down the highway. It looks like a perfectly normal tire and it’s moving along at a good pace, bringing Winston closer and closer to his new job.)
Winston (tailless): My name is Winston Pike, I used to live in Virginia and until recently I was a short order cook.
Winston (tailless): I lost my job after the diner I worked at went under from some bogus health violations.
Page 1 Panel 3
(The camera pans out to give us a look at Winston’s car. It’s an aged looking 90s car with tan paint job and at the bottom parts of it, there’s rust discoloration. The car is moving along a highway going right into Hetelville, Florida, and by the side of the road is a grassy field with land that goes on for miles. There’s a variety of litter by the side of the road, which includes old fast food wrappers, pizza boxes, and beer bottles. Off in the distance, we can make out two people having sex on a checkered blanket, the woman in this being spread eagled. Winston looks a bit bummed about the misfortune he suffered, and is hopeful that his new life will go better.)
Winston (tailless): To make it worse, my apartment got burned down, and my parents died a few months back in an explosion.
Winston (tailless): My sister is in Europe, and travels around, so I can’t stay with her.
Winston (tailless): So I don’t have a job, or really much to lose at this point. Hell, I’m not even sure why I’m still alive… at this point, most people would have killed themselves.
Winston (tailless): My life seems to just carry me on, without a single answer as to why.
Winston (tailless): I’d cry, but at this point I’m too apathetic about my past luck to care.
Page 2 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to the inside of an internet café. Winston is seated inside at a table by one of the windows, with a red laptop on it, a coffee placed by its side. Winston looks like he’s been seated there for a very long time, and is quite tired, he’s got an interested look on his face as he notices this one particular job offer. Outside, there’s pouring rain, and there’s a female cat walking by with an umbrella over her head.)
Winston (tailless): I was looking for work for about a month. After being denied unemployment, I had little choice but to do it.
Winston (tailless): I had barely any money left when I found this job offer on Craigslist.
Page 2 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to a new scene. Winston is seen at a gas station, he’s just leaving it with a plastic bag filled with travel supplies and is reading a road map. The place looks like your average gas station and looks like it’s been around since the eighties, and is very weathered.)
Winston (tailless): The job paid well, provided room and board, and seemed easy enough.
Winston (tailless): However, there was a reason nobody else had taken it.
Page 2 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to Winston when he was looking at the job on his laptop, the glow from the computer is illuminating him, and he has a small look of worry as he notices just who’s giving the job and what it involves.)
Winston (tailless): It looked simple on paper. I was to be a chauffer, cook and assistant.
Winston (tailless): In other words, a valet.
Winston (tailless): While it sounded simple, the job actually was quite dangerous.
Page 2 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to a new scene, a shadowy Garth is seen hiding in the rafters of an opera house. He’s looking down at the stage, where a sinister looking cult of vampires is preparing to sacrifice a young woman.  There’s about seven of the vampires and they look very hungry for blood. The rafters are metal and a few stray sandbags are seen. Garth is pulling out a heavy machine gun in preparation for his work.)
Winston (tailless): Because I’d be the valet of a licensed monster hunter!
Page 2 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to a new shot. It’s of the logo of the National Monster Hunting Association, it’s seen in brass and is placed on a granite block, in a way that indicates that it’s in front of some government building like the DMZ.)
Winston (tailless): Monster hunting is like bounty hunting, save that the bounties are all on paranormal criminals.
Winston (tailless): Very dangerous criminals.
Winston (tailless): You’d have to be either very desperate or unbelievably stupid to apply for the job of such a man’s valet.
Page 2 Panel 6
(The camera cuts back to Winston in the present. This time the camera is right in front of him on the windshield, he’s looking hopeful now, and a little sad as he thinks about some of his past misfortunes.)
Winston (tailless): In other words, me.
Winston (tailless): Yeah. I’m not exactly a Valedictorian…I don’t even have a diploma.
Winston (tailless): Long story. All I have to say is, I regret nothing.
Page 3 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to a small overhead shot of the highway. Winston’s car is moving along the highway along several other cars. Two of them are minivans, another is a car that has had it’s top torn off by something, its driver being a black suit clad, stereotypical hitman, with three similar looking others seen in it, and all of them look like they’ve had the shit beat outta them. The last one is a beat up pickup truck that appears to have a bunch of redneck dogs drinking whiskey in the back.)
Winston (tailless): I cannot say I’ve ever experienced any paranormal phenomena, and I can say that I’ve led a perfectly ordinary life.
Winston (tailless): I’ve heard of it, but never once saw even a superhero in the flesh.
Page 3 Panel 2
(The camera cuts back to Winston as he drives his car towards the city, now his eyes have widened incredibly in surprise, his jaw has dropped at the sights that are in front of him.)
Winston (tailless): Which makes it even more amazing that I didn’t get a heart attack when I first saw Hetelville.
Page 3 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to behind Winston’s car as it begins to get even closer to the city. The skyline of Hetelville is seen and a lot of weird things are seen there. In the background there’s a pair of giant robots fighting, one of them looking like it has an American design, while the other is a Japanese esque super robot. There’s a flying saucer in a dogfight with a fighter jet. Closer to Winston is the presence of faeries flying through the air (all present are female and real hot, at least one of which is looking at a guy to take home (one of these faeries is seen waving to such a guy in a different car), though some just look like they’re passing through. Several feet in front of Winston is a tank. A pair of juggalos in a motorcycle and sidecar are speeding by Winston. Somewhere off there’s a giant monster (think like the monster from Cloverfield in terms of similar appearances, but now twice the size of a house) lifting up its hind leg in order to try and piss on a car that’s parked on the side of the road. Now bare in mind that there’s several normal looking cars here, but nobody seems to be acting out of the ordinary, though the man whom one of the horny fairies is waving too is in a convertible and has an eager grin as he parks to the side of the road to have a word with her.)
Winston (tailless): And what makes it really weird, is that was just an ordinary day there.
Page 4 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to a street corner in Hetelville. Winston’s car is seen turning into a street. Other sights include a courier werewolf running errands, an attractive female chupacabra jogging by (with a pair of human males ogling her as she runs by.) There’s a corner bakery seen, and a humanoid rat is seen walking out with a paper bag that contains donuts. A vespa motorcycle driven by a certain pink haired woman (explanation soon) is racing by Winston at breakneck speeds, using an electric guitar to smash a cyclist in the face as she speeds by, the cyclist has lost several of his teeth but is surprisingly still alive, having been thrown off his bike by her swing.)
Winston (tailless): Hetelville is well renowned* as one of the cities with the highest amounts of mind blowing weirdness and oddities.
Winston (tailless): It’s not out of the ordinary for residents, but to anyone outside…it’s crazy as fuck.
Yellow box: * Apart from New York, Nowhere County, Kansas, certain Northwestern towns, and particular Las Vegas bathrooms.
Page 4 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to inside Winston’s car from the side of him, he’s looking out his window at the site before him. There’s a pair of teenaged human males, who look eager for sex but are quite nervous due to it being their first time, it’s also clear that they’re tourists. There’s an attractive gillwoman (mythological beings that inspired the Creature from the Black Lagoon) in a tube top and hotpants and an attractive female Yeti in less revealing clothes, a purple tank top, a pair of blue jeans, and a pair of glasses. Both women are obviously interested in a ‘private party’ with the boys, but are also teasing them, the Gillwoman appears to be feeling up the guy she’s teasing, while the Yeti is crossing her arms and is giving a coy look.)
Winston (tailless): As one might expect, this place gets a lot of visitors, due to how openly these creatures live.
Winston (tailless): During Spring Break, this place is supposed to be packed. Especially since a lot of the people here are a bit highly sexed.
Winston (tailless):  So yeah, a lot of men love visiting here.
Page 4 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to in front of the window on Winston’s car door, he’s got a slight chuckle as he looks at the new scene before him, which is reflected in the window. In the reflection we can see, there’s a pair of attractive women being lifted up by a burly werewolf (who’s in an anthro form) who’s walking off to his house for some nookie, both the wolf and the women are really quite enthusiastic about this.)
Winston (tailless): Though plenty of women like going there for the same damn reason.
Winston (tailless): As far as I can tell, it’s amazing anyone gets any work done in this town.
Page 4 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to the front of Winston. He’s turning back to the road and is pulling up his iPhone, and looking at it for directions to Alistair’s house.)
Winston (tailless): Of course, there’s plenty of crime here, which requires a very different kind of law enforcement.
Winston (tailless): There’s still police, but the sheer number of extranormal felons has attracted a lot of bounty loving adventurers to the town.
Page 4 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to a new scene. Winston’s parked his car at the curb, and is looking up at Alistair Garth’s house with an impressed and awed look. He’s got one of the rear doors to the car open, and he’s removing a duffel bag from it, it’s full and contains all his possessions.)
Winston (tailless): Including the alligator who hired me. And from what I hear…
Winston (tailless): He’s one of the best.
Page 5 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to behind Winston and the side of his car, looking upward at Alistair Garth’s large house, in all its ornate glory. We’ll use the reference model for it to help in showing what it’s like, as there isn’t really anything going off with this.)
Winston (tailless): And it definitely showed, both in his house…
Page 5 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to the side of Winston. He’s couple of feet away from the door, he looks rather nervous and is about to use the door knocker, trying to figure out just what to say to his potential employer.)
Winston (tailless): And in…well, him.
Page 5 Panel 3
(Now the door is opening suddenly, Winston is quite surprised at the suddenness of this, having just barely stepped back from it.)
Vampire (offpanel through the door): Ve cannot zank you enough.
Page 5 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to the door. An aristocratic vampire with blue skin and a ‘Count Orlok’ look about him, he’s wearing a belt mounted portable anti-sun forcefield generator, that shimmers and sparkles in the sun, though it’s clear that this is merely an effect of the forcefield. Garth is right next to him, nonchalantly looking down at the fat wad of bills he was paid for his services, flipping through them. There’s about fifty thousand dollars in hundreds there.)
Vampire: My cousin Orlok is wery difficult to deal wiz.
Alistair: With all due respect, he was actually very easy to hunt.
Alistair: He won’t escape that coffin I chained him in for a VERY long time.
Page 6 Panel 1
(The camera cuts a little further back, the vampire is seen as he’s about to walk offpanel, though really only just his face. Winston is quickly moving up the stairs as Alistair is about to enter the house, hurriedly trying to get the gator’s attention before he leaves. Alistair has gotten to his door and is about to close it, though he’s now looking up at Winston with a curious look.)
Winston: Uh, guy? Could I talk to you?
Alistair: Hmm? Yes, is there something I can do for you?
Page 6 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to the side of the two. Winston is explaining his situation to Garth, trying to keep his nervousness fully hidden and is halfways successful in doing so, but is a little concerned about what might happen if he fails. Garth has fully turned around and know both eyebrows have risen curiously as he realizes somebody has finally answered his ad.)
Winston: Look, I know a lot of people probably tried to get this job before. But is that valet job still open?
Winston: I-I’d kinda like to take it.
Alistair: Really?
Alistair: About damn time somebody answered that ad.
Page 6 Panel 3
(Winston is now a bit confused as Alistair gave him an answer he didn’t expect. Alistair is turning around and walking inside, giving Winston a motion to follow.)
Winston: Wait, what?
Alistair: I’ll explain inside, you look like you could use some food.
Page 6 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to just inside the house, focusing on the back of the front door. Winston is looking forward at the house rather amazed at the features in it, a little more comfortable now. Alistair is putting his coat up on a coat rack, and is glad somebody’s finally answered his ad.)
Winston: Wow. You’ve got a good house.
Alistair: Heh, bounties bring in a lot of money.
Alistair: I bought this old place after scoring a real big one many years back.
Page 6 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to a larger shot that looks right at Alistair while he hangs up his hat, he’s turning his head to look at Winston, he’s a bit more serious now, and is about to begin negations with Winston, willing to finally gain the valet he’s looking for.)
Alistair: But enough about me, let’s head to the fridge. I need some lunch too…
Alistair: And I have a feeling you have a good reason for wanting the job. Did you bring references?
Page 7 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to Garth’s table. The alligator is seen nonchalantly carving up a steak he’s about to eat, beginning to speak with Winston about the job. Winston is seated across from him, and is currently trying to eat a sandwich made out of ham, cheese, and varying vegetables, still a bit nervous about the job. Garth though is approving of Winston’s sandwich, liking the look of it. This is set at the smaller round table in his kitchen.)
Alistair: Hmm, now that’s a fine looking sandwich.
Winston: Oh, thanks.
Page 7 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to Winston, he’s put the sandwich down and is now trying to figure out what he meant earlier.)
Winston: Uh, look. It’s not that I don’t appreciate this, but why hasn’t anyone else applied for the job?
Winston: I’m surprised there isn’t even one person after it!
Page 7 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to Garth, he’s carved off a large piece of his steak and is about to put it in his mouth, calmly answering Winston’s question.)
Alistair: I wasn’t. In a town like this, it’s not uncommon for all the ‘badass kung fu butlers’ to already be taken by people with way more money.
Page 7 Panel 4
(Alistair is now chewing on the steak piece he’s just placed in his mouth, and continuing to explain.)
Alistair: And the younger badasses who could fit the job generally prefer not playing second banana.
Alistair: I didn’t really want a sidekick, just an assistant, cook, and chauffer.
Page 7 Panel 5
(Alistair is now swallowing his steak.)
Alistair: *gulp*
Alistair: Needless to say, it was disappointing when applicants didn’t apply for the job faster than alligators when somebody’s giving out free hot dogs.
Page 7 Panel 6
(The camera cuts to the same view of Panel 1 again. Alistair is continuing to eat; Winston is rising up a satchel that contains the references Alistair wants to read.)
Alistair: So as you can guess, I’m very relieved somebody answered it at least.
Alistair: Now then, you said you had some references, may I see them?
Page 8 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to Garth, he’s pushed his steak aside and is currently reading some papers that Winston handed over, he’s looking them over and is a little disappointed on the resume, though he’s still willing to give him a chance. It’s evident he’s chewing on something as well.)
Alistair: Hmm…mister Pike, it seems you haven’t had really any experience with this kind of work.
Alistair: You haven’t even graduated college.
Page 8 Panel 2
(The camera cuts behind Garth’s head, Winston is nervously chuckling and has his hand behind his head, trying to explain why that happened.)
Winston: Uh, yeah. There’s a reason for that…
Alistair: I know. I remember that TV broadcast.
Alistair: I thought I’d recognized you from somewhere.
Page 8 Panel 3
(The camera cuts back to Alistair, he’s placing the papers right back in the folder and is looking back up at Winston, a bit apologetic due to some of the unlikeliness of him being hired.)
Alistair: I am quite sorry about what happened then.
Alistair: However, the only real job you’ve ever had was at a now closed diner, and that in itself was ended by bullsh-
Page 8 Panel 4
(Alistair is suddenly looking mildly irritated as his cell phone goes off, he’s holding up a finger to signal he needs to take a short break.)
Alistair: Shit, hang on, I gotta take this.
Page 8 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to the side, Garth has a curious eyebrow raised as he takes the call, and is realizing he might just be able to see if Winston will be able to take the job. Winston is a bit confused at this.)
Alistair: Yes?
Alistair: Oh, it’s you. I’m sort of holding a jo-
Alistair: Say that again.
Alistair: He’s what now?
Alistair: Ah, I should’ve known he’d be there. Thanks.
Alistair: I’m on my way.
Page 8 Panel 6
(Alistair has now placed the phone on the table and has a small grin as he tells Winston something that’s going to make his day.)
Alistair: Winston. Are you familiar with the concept of “On the job job interviews”?
Page 9 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to in front of the car, Winston is seated behind the wheel and is somewhat nervously awaiting Garth so he can see if he’ll get the job.)
Page 9 Panel 2
(The camera extends a little to the left, Alistair is now opening the rightside door, his duffel bag in tow, he’s asking Winston to start the car and drive them off to the cemetery, Winston is doing so, and looks a bit relieved.)
Alistair: Alright, start up the car. We’re going hunting.
Winston: Got it. Where’re we going?
Alistair: Up by the cemetery, this has been coming for a long time.
Page 9 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to an over head shot where Winston pulls out into the street and drives off. In the other lane there’s a convertible containing a zombie, a humanoid mouse, and a female minotaur in it driving by them, on the street just across from Garth’s house is a headless man carrying a pumpkin for his head, a reference to the Headless Horseman, the head appears nonchalant.)
Page 9 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to the car a few mintues later, Winston is trying to make small talk. Garth is answering Winston’s question.)
Winston: Uh, what would you prefer I call you, Mr. Garth, Alistair, or…
Alistair: Alistair or just Al would be fine.
Winston: Alistair, why are we going to the cemetery?
Alistair: It’s because my friend-
Page 9 Panel 5
(Alistair suddenly holds up his hand as if to say STOP!, and his eyebrows have rose up curiously. Winston is suddenly surprised by this, but is doing as Garth requests.)
Alistair: Wait, stop!
Winston: Wha-
Alistair: Stop immediately.
Winston: Well, okay, but why do you wanna stop?...
Page 9 Panel 6
(The camera cuts up to the stop light, which is very obviously green.)
Winston (offpanel): It’s a green light!
Page 10 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to in front of the car. Alistair is leaning out of the window and has his shotgun out, about to aim it at something that hasn’t appeared yet. Winston is a bit worried at this point, expecting some sort of sandworm or something to swallow them, Garth is keeping his cool despite this.)
Alistair: Relax, I just smelled something, I just gotta aim this right.
Winston: Smelled something?! What, is this Godzilla or something? A giant worm, what?!
Alistair: Uh, something like that.
Page 10 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to the side. Just around the corner there’s a very fast T-Rex running down the road, a group of Gill-Men riding it in a mounted basket and are exchanging fire with a policecar shortly behind it. They have a large sack of money in it and it’s very clear they’re thieves fleeing the police, there’s a noticeable button latch attaching the basket to the t-rex, and if hit just right, it’ll fall right off. On the corner sidewalk, there’s a variety of humanoid animals, humans (Stacy Banx is pretty clearly seen, somehow accidentally getting some of her clothes ripped off by a passing porcupine), and mythical creatures, all of them trying to avoid the crossfire.)
Alistair: I just need to hit it, right about…
Page 10 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to behind Garth, the T-Rex is now roaring past them, still running in the same street, but right in front of the car. Garth is firing the shotgun and hitting the latch, and is immediately causing the burglars to panic as their basket tips over. The tyrannic lizard isn’t realizing what happened.)
Alistair (loudly): Now!
Page 10 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to the side of the basket, the gill-men have all been knocked out and are sprawled over the floor. The bag of money is tipped over and it has spilled its contents out. The T-Rex is running off, not realizing it should have stopped.)
T-Rex (really loudly): Roaaar!
Page 10 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to the front of the car. Alistair is grinning to himself and is leaving the car. Winston is looking on with amazement, barely able to believe this just happened.)
Alistair: There, just a group of amphibious bank robbers trying to escape on a giant lizard.
Alistair: Hang on a sec, I gotta see if any’a these jackasses have bounties.
Page 11 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to Garth and one of the policemen, the man is pulling away a sort of barcode scanner and Garth is putting his Monster Hunting license back into his wallet, and is politely saying goodbye to the man. In the background, Winston is still in the car, and in great awe about what just happened. The policeman has a square jaw, a mustache, and looks like your stereotypical police officer.)
Alistair: Thanks.
Page 11 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to Winston. Alistair has hopped right back in through the side door, while Winston is very astonished and praising Garth’s badassery.)
Alistair: Alright, now that this is over-
Winston (loudly): Holy crap! That was awesome!!
Page 11 Panel 3
(Alistair is now fully in his seat and has close the door, he’s being totally calm with this, as he’s used to these kinds of reactions. Winston has let his praise out, and is turning the car on again, still amazed at what Garth just did.)
Alistair: Yes it was, and I don’t mean to brag, but this type of thing is an everyday occurrence to me.
Winston: Oh, I didn’t know that.
Winston: But still, I’ve never seen anything like that before.
Page 11 Panel 4
(Winston is now driving off, he’s still in awe of Garth but is mildly confused at something else. Garth is now understanding Winston a bit better.)
Alistair: Ah. So that would explain your reaction a bit better.
Winston: Yeah. Man that was cool.
Winston: Why d’you even need a valet anyways?
Page 11 Panel 5
(Garth is explaining to Winston clearly why he needs a valet. Winston is a bit more confused than before.)
Alistair: Well, I wouldn’t mind having my own cook, but the main reason I need one is so I can be driven around.
Winston: Why would you need me for that?
Page 11 Panel 6
(Garth is now giving him a small glare as he hoists up one of his short legs, Winston has wide eyes as he realizes he unwittingly offended the alligator.)
Alistair: Do you honestly think I could reach the gas pedals with these? Why do you think I’d need a valet?
Winston: Uh…
Page 12 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to a new scene, it’s a wide view of the graveyard, there’s several cars pulled up, including Winston’s. Winston and Garth are exiting it. There’s a good view of all the graves there, in many sizes and shapes, plus a mausoleum labeled “Vampire House” with a ‘No Vacancy’ on it. There’s also a funeral service being performed somewhere…by zombies.)
Page 12 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to in front of the car. Winston and Garth are moving out towards the graveyard, Winston holding the bag and a bit confused at Garth’s idea for him to come along, Garth is brandishing his shotgun and keeping a careful eye out for the enemy.)
Winston: So…why do I have to come with you again?
Alistair: Safety reasons, this guy might have some henchmen around and in that car you might just be spam in a can.
Winston: A-and who are we after again?
Page 12 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to the side of the two as they walk up one of the aisles of the graveyard. Winston slightly nervous and Alistair still being on the alert but perfectly in his element.)
Alistair: I’m looking for a necromancer named Pierre Vomir, wanted for a very large string of Zombiculi production sprees.
Alistair: A friend of mine said he’s here somewhere.
Page 12 Panel 4
(The two are continuing to walk along, the ground beneath Winston beginning to collapse as he steps onto a sinkhole, not realizing what’s about to happen to him.)
Alistair: And he said he’s under the ground, and has been doing some tunneling, so we have to be careful, lest we fall into a-
Page 12 Panel 5
(Winston has now fallen right through the ground, a screaming yell audible. Garth’s stopped moving and his eyebrows have risen up as he realizes what just happened.)
Winston (from hole): Aaaaaah!
Page 12 Panel 6
(Alistair has turned around and from the way he’s positioned, it shows he was looking into the hole, and he’s facepalming, a bit frustrated with what just happened.)
Alistair: -sinkhole.
Page 13 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to within the tunnel, from Winston’s POV, which is blurry though he can make out the general shape of it and the light off in the distance.)
Winston (groggily): Whuh- What happened?
Page 13 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to the side of Winston, he’s suddenly waking up as he realizes just where he is, he’s about to scream but Garth is quickly by his side, putting a hand over his mouth to keep it from being heard and is looking around to make sure nobody is coming to get at them. The tunnel looks kinda like a catacomb though it’s rather spacious and there’s something that indicates that the enemy has been stealing coffins and the corpses within. Garth’s bag is right next to him.)
Winston (loudly): Hol-
Alistair: Ssh. Keep your voice down.
Alistair: We’re in enemy territory.
Page 13 Panel 3
(The camera cuts out a little further. Garth has let go of Winston and is rifling through his bag for weapons. Winston is beginning to stand up, very worried but managing to resist the urge to freak out.)
Winston: Wh-wh-what is this? Who made this?
Alistair: This is a tunnel dug under the graveyard; the necromancer has been covertly building this catacomb system to steal coffins and cadavers.
Alistair: Which helps him in making more zombieculi.*
Yellow Box: *Zombieculus: An artificially created zombie with no mind or soul (usually.)
Page 13 Panel 4
(The monster hunter has pulled out his shotgun and has a chainsaw in his other hand, keeping an eye out for potential threats, beginning to move forward. Winston is still obviously worried, but is shakily following him.)
Alistair: Alright, stay just behind me. I don’t know if he’s got guards but regardless, the safest place to be is near me.
Winston: R-right.
Page 13 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to a new scene. Alistair and Winston are carefully and quietly moving up a crudely carved spiral staircase. Alistair has his gun at the ready and is expecting an attack soon, keeping out a sharp eye for the attacker. Winston is still quite scared. There’s a torch attached to the wall that illuminates the scene in a spooky light.)
Page 14 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to a doorway, it’s crudely carved and looks like something out of a castle, with lights like a large bonfire casting sinister shadows all over the room. Garth is cautiously looking around the corner, an eyebrow rising in curiosity as he sees what’s going on.)
Vomir (offpanel): -oh fell beast of the darkest realms of sin! Come! Join us-
Alistair: Hmm, I think we’ve just about found our target.
Page 14 Panel 2
(Winston is now sticking his head around the corner, though not as carefully as Garth’s and almost exposing them, Garth is giving him a sort of glare and telling him to get back.)
Winston: Really? Who-
Alistair: Back off! He could see us.
Vomir (offpanel): Grace this mortal coil with thine presence!
Page 14 Panel 3
(Winston is now ducking back so now he’s only barely peeking around the edge. Alistair is now in a better mood and looking on curiously.)
Winston: Sorry. Still new to all this.
Alistair: Quite alright, I was a bit green myself once.
Winston: Uh, why aren’t you just shooting the guy or something?
Alistair: Motives. There’s something funny about all this.
Vomir (offpanel): Bring onto your humble servant a boon, so-
Page 14 Panel 4
(Alistair is now rubbing his chin as he focuses on what’s happening, Winston is now a bit disturbed and curious about what he sees, but is still quite scared at this whole thing.)
Winston: H-how do you mean?
Alistair: Because this necromancer seems awfully interested…
Vomir (offpanel): He might bring on an era of darkness!
Page 14 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to look at what’s happening. About thirty feet away, in a very large circular room. At the center of it is an elaborate ornate, arcane symbol that looks Satanic in origin, it’s glowing and a large globe of energy is rising from it, the necromancer has his back to the heroes and is casting a spell to summon a demon, power glowing straight from his hands, several zombies surrounding the circle as conduits to harness even more energy. There are a few miscellaneous rubble piles in the room, scattered about.)
Alistair: -In summoning demons.
Vomir: Arise, o Shaldac!
Page 15 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to Vomir’s face, pure energy is being pulsed around him, black light shooting out of his eyes and mouth.)
Vomir: Aaaaa!
Page 15 Panel 2
(The camera cuts back to Garth and Winston. Winston is looking on in astonishment, with some level of fear as well. Garth is keeping a close, suspicious eye on the globe, while quickly rummaging through his bag at the same time, he’s fairly frustrated by the fact the item he needs is presently eluding him.)
Winston: Uh-oh.
Alistair: Damn it, where’s that stupid coin when I need it?!
Page 15 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to the scene of Vomir’s demon summoning, it’s in a panel that’s the same as ‘Page 14 Panel 5’, but now the orb is expanding a bit and glowing very, very brightly, as if it were about to go supernova.)
Page 15 Panel 4
(The cave has now been filled with a blinding black light, Shaldac the Perverted has burst into the panel, stretching himself with relief as he’s finally been able to get out of Hell again.)
Shaldac (loudly) Yes! YES! I’m back, bitches!!!
Page 16 Panel 1
(The camera cuts back to Garth and Winston. The former is looking up at the demon with a killer glare and is pulling out the entrapment coin. Winston is both very frightened and quite confused at the demon.)
Alistair: Shaldac! I thought that stupid bastard would stay gone.
Alistair: He’s going to wish he’d stayed away for good this time!!
Winston: Shal-
Winston: What the fuck is that?!
Page 16 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to in front of Vomir, he’s lowered his hood and is evilly smirking towards Shaldac as he pulls up a satchel full of porn he plans to bribe him with, part of the demon is seen looking down towards him.)
Shaldac: You! Necromancer! You’d better have something to barter with! I haven’t fucked in ages!!!
Vomir: That will come soon, for now, how about some porn to tide you over?
Shaldac: Fuck yeah!
Page 16 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to a further out shot focusing on Shaldac, several of his tentacles are holding up the porn magazines up to his eye, and he’s clearly enjoying them a lot, a perverted look coming over his eye as his ‘little hellfire’ (aka his bizarre demon dong) begins to rise beneath him.)
Shaldac: Whoa momma Lilith! Hot HOT bitches! Make way for daddy, sugar-cunts! I’ve got a load of Satanic love to-
Alistair (offpanel, loudly): That’s enough you fucking pervert!!
Page 16 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to just behind Shaldac, he’s looking forward at Garth with his eyeball practically popping out of his skull in surprise. Vomir is turning around to glare at the alligator. Garth is now stomping towards them after leaving the doorway, the coin in his right hand and the bag in his left one. Winston is watching from the doorway cautiously and in fear.)
Shaldac: Alistair Garth! You wretched pig! How dare you stop me from jerking off!!!
Vomir: You bastard! Get the fuck out of here!!!
Alistair: I’m sick and tired of your continual idiocy, if you’re so damn horny, why don’t you just get laid already?!!
Page 16 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to in front of Shaldac, now he’s just glaring at Garth and explaining his gripe very clearly, he still has his porn up though.)
Shaldac: Bitch, the last time I tried that, you pigs arrested me! Something about lack of consent and bullshit like that. I got raped in jail, man!
Shaldac: I wanna fuck! Not get fucked, man. You feel me?
Page 16 Panel 6
(The camera cuts back to Garth. He’s dropped the bag and is now extending his right hand out, he looks rather cunning and is confidently grinning to the enemy demon as he presents the coin.)
Alistair: Is that all? Then you should have just asked for this.
Alistair: Use it, and you’ll be irresistible to any creature of any species.
Page 17 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to Shaldac, he’s rushing towards Garth in perverted glee, knocking Vomir aside as he speeds over towards the alligator.)
Shaldac: Gimme that!
Vomir: Shaldac! Waaiiittt!!!
Page 17 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to the side of Garth, he’s holding up the coin to Shaldac, putting on his poker face as the demon gets close enough to spring his trap, which he’s activating now by rotating his wrist. Shaldac is practically drooling at the thought of getting laid, which is about to set him up for a very obvious trap.)
Shaldac: Hurry boy! Tell Shaldac how it works!
Alistair: Well, I just have to rotate it like this…
Page 17 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to a more dynamic shot as the coin-trap activates and Shaldac is forcibly pulled right into the coin in a manner similar to a ghost being sucked up by a vacuum. Garth is standing by calmly as if he does this all the time (which he pretty much does. Shaldac’s eye is bugging out as it becomes obvious he’s just been tricked into getting trapped, and is practically pained as this happens to him.)
Alistair: And cockblock you with this sealing talisman!
Shaldac (loudly): Noooo! Damn you, you ass wiping, tail-
Page 17 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to a close up shot of the coin as just a teeny-tiny piece of Shaldac as it’s just getting sucked in.)
Page 17 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to Garth. He’s grinning to himself as he holds up the demon trap to his eye, very glad to have trapped Shaldac.)
Alistair: Heh. Shaldac is such an idiot.
Alistair: I’ve heard of thinking with your pecker, but-
Vomir (offpanel, loudly): What the monkey jizzing, elephant fornicating, holy fuck did you do?!!!
Page 18 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to Vomir, he’s turned to Garth and is well and truly pissed, his hands clenching up into fists and his teeth grinding so hard there’s dust beginning to flake off, an angry twitch in his eye, and a literal evil glint in his eye.)
Vomir (loudly): Do you have any goddamn idea what you’ve done!!! It took me months to make that spell!
Page 18 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to Alistair Garth, he’s glaring at him and crossing his arms, pointing out that he’s figured out what Vomir’s goal is, and about to try and beat him, his bag is noticeably unzipped and next to him.)
Alistair: I don’t care how long it took. I know what you wanted Shaldac for.
Alistair: Just because your dad caused that mass zombieculus outbreak in the sixties doesn’t mean you should try and outdo him.
Alistair: There’s a bounty on your head, and I’m collecting.
Page 18 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to Vomir, the necromancer is now even more pissed off, his eyes glowing black and a pair of glowing energy globes are forming around his hands, in the background, the zombies previously a part of the conduit are snapping out of it and beginning to rush Garth.)
Vomir (loudly): Insolent toad! Die!!!
Page 18 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to one of the openings, a large number of hungry, violent zombies is pouring through it, ready to try and kill Garth…unaware they’re about to become a bunch of dismembered piles of flesh.)
Page 18 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to Winston, he’s looking on at this with a luck of pure and utter fear, his skin growing very pale as the undead horde charges them.)
Winston: Oh shit!
Page 18 Panel 6
(The camera cuts to Garth, the bag is opened and now he’s duel wielding a pair of shotguns, a wide grin on his face.)
Alistair: A zombie horde, really?
Alistair: Didn’t think he’d be polite enough to provide a good workout.
Page 19 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to behind Garth. He’s surrounded by zombies on all sides and they want to all kill him, leering forward to try and get alligator brains. Garth is holding up both his shotguns and sizing up his foes, with his tail pulling out a revving chainsaw from the bag, holding it like a third hand.)
Alistair: That’s right zombastards.
Alistair: I guess I’ve let you have enough of a ‘sporting chance’ by now.
Page 19 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to a more dynamic shot, Garth is leaping right into the crowd of zombies with both shotguns blazing, shooting up several zombies with two blasts, his head yanking a zombie’s head off with his teeth, his tail is swinging the chainsaw and tearing apart several zombies with one swing, the zombies are still trying to kill him, but at least one is looking at him with a ‘holy shit!’ look.)
Alistair: Welcome back to the grave!
Page 19 Panel 3
(The camera cuts back to Winston, he’s looking on at Garth with a look of utter surprise and amazement, some hope reentering him as he realizes Garth might just save them after all.)
Winston: Oh my God!
Winston: They weren’t joking when they called him the best!
Page 19 Panel 4
(The camera cuts back to Vomir, he’s facepalming and is totally pissed off as it becomes very clear that he fucked up again.)
Vomir: Dammit! I knew I should have gotten more zombies!
Page 19 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to just behind a zombie several feet away, Garth is spitting out the zombie head he ripped out with enough force to decapitate it.)
Alistair: Bon appetit!
Page 19 Panel 6
(The camera cuts to a tighter shot in front of Garth as he fires off both shotguns into some offpanel zombies, a grin present as he delivers another one liner.)
Alistair: And here’s a treat for you too!
Page 20 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to some zombies as one of Garth’s shotguns (just butting into the panel) blasts its head off.)
Page 20 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to a larger shot, Garth is leaping through the air, firing off two more shots into zombies, his tail is slashing downward and bisecting another zombie. The zombies hit with the shotgun shells have their brains blown out immediately, Garth is yelling off at Vomir. There’s a large amount of zombie cadavers on the ground (about thirty actually) and there’s no others around after this whole rampage.)
Alistair (loudly): Alright Vomir! Prepare to become a paycheck!!
Page 20 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to Winston, he’s looking on in awe, with no fear present, having just stepped out of the doorway, he’s oblivious to the hungry zombie behind him who has a thought balloon with the picture of a brain on it.)
Winston: Good lord, he actuall-
Zombie (weezing): Braaaaains!
Page 20 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to behind the zombie, Winston has turned to look at the creature and is scared shitless now, his possible death now staring him in the face.)
Winston: Oh God!
Page 20 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to Alistair. He’s turned his head to look back and is glaring off at the zombie about to attack Winston, his tail hurling the chainsaw right at the beast.)
Alistair: Hey asshole! You look like you could use a diet!
Page 20 Panel 6
(The camera cuts to a dynamic shot of the chainsaw as it flies through the air.)
Page 21 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to the side of Winston and the zombie. The chainsaw is slicing right through the zombie’s head and throwing it backwards, right into the wall. Winston is a little startled but relieved that the zombie is gone.)
Winston: *phew*
Page 21 Panel 2
(The camera cuts back to Garth, he’s giving a glance back towards Winston to make sure the chainsaw hit its mark, he’s also pulling up another shotgun as he holds up Vomir, his tail is pulling the bag right up to him from offpanel.)
Alistair: I didn’t miss.
Alistair: Good thing too, that would have been awkward.
Page 21 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to behind Garth, he’s aiming the shotgun right at Vomir, a glare present as he prepares to arrest the necromancer. Vomir is pissed off but is reluctantly conceding the battle to the monster hunter.)
Alistair: Now then, Vomir, you wouldn’t have any more little magic tricks here, would you?
Vomir: I- God! Fine, I surrender.
Vomir: Why can’t you just leave me alone?!!
Alistair: I would if you weren’t hellbent on causing another zombie epidemic.
Page 20 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to in front of Garth, he’s lifting out a pair of magic based handcuffs from the bag. Winston is walking up to Garth, being a bit leery about stepping over the dead zombies, trying to care to avoid stepping on blood puddles or brains, he’s also a bit nervous and hoping some new trap isn’t sprung.)
Winston: Hey, uh, are you sure he’s not lying or something? Are you sure there are no more zombies?
Alistair: Well, there may be a few left, but at this point, they wouldn’t come out.
Winston: W-why?
Alistair: They’re frightened.
Page 20 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to several zombies just inside one of the tunnels, they’re all in the shadows and hiding in fear, shivering as they wait for Garth to leave, one of them is nervously poking his head out to see if he’s left yet.)
Misc. Zombie: *groan*
Yellow Box: Translation: Is he gone yet?
Page 20 Panel 6
(The camera cuts to the side of Garth as he’s putting the cuffs on Vomir, he’s being calm now and is asking Winston a question. The new valet is right next to him and is a bit concerned, wondering what he has to say.)
Alistair: Now anyways, about the job offer…
Winston: Uh, listen…
Page 21 Panel 1
(Garth is turning to look at Winston and is telling (plus assuring him) that he has the job if he wants it. Winston is flabbergasted at this and asking why he’s gotten the job. Vomir is grumbling to himself and is imagining dancing on Alistair Garth’s grave.)
Alistair: No need to apologize, the job is yours.
Winston: H-huh?! Why?! I didn’t do anything!
Page 21 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to a close shot to the side of Garth’s head; he’s got a grin present as he explains himself to Winston.)
Alistair: You did.
Alistair: You didn’t flee in terror when Vomir sicked the zombies on us.
Alistair: You may have had almost no experience with these situations, but you’re obviously braver than you think.
Page 21 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to the side of both Garth and Winston, the alligator has Vomir fully tied up and is turning to Winston with an outstretched hand. Winston is amazed at Garth’s decision and realizes he’s right.)
Alistair: While you might have just stood by, you have some inner strength in you after all. And if I bring it out, I might be able to make a great fighter out of you
Alistair: Plus your references tell me you have good cooking skills.
Alistair: So if you want the job. It’s yours.
Page 21 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to a new view just behind Garth’s hand, Winston is looking towards it with some nervousness realizing that this is about to change his life in a way he never could have imagined, and that there’s great danger in it, but that his luck may finally change to something good.)
Page 21 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to the side of Winston and Garth’s hands as they shake hands.)
Page 21 Panel 6
(The camera cuts to a vertical shot looking up at Winston, he’s smiling down at Garth as he accepts the job.)
Winston: I’ll take it.
Page 22 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to the side of Winston’s car. Winston is walking around to get in the front door, while Alistair has opened up one of the backdoors and is shoving the bound and gagged Vomir into it.)
Winston (tailless): And that’s how I became Alistair Garth’s Valet. Even though I was horribly under equipped at the time, he still hired me.
Page 22 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to the front. The two are now seated in the car and Winston is starting the car up. Garth is seen to be pulling out an iPhone to mark Vomir off his list of bounties to hunt.)
Winston (tailless): Of course, it wasn’t the end of the story. I hadn’t even seen some of his friends, nor any of his family or his girlfriend.
Winston (tailless): Hell, I’d never even heard of Aurelia yet, if it wasn’t for her, I’d still be in the lonely hearts club.
Page 22 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to an overhead shot of the car as it moves down the exit road for the graveyard, which is on a tall hill. On the side of the road, a family of dryads are seen moving up the hill, while on the other a family of naiads are seen moving down and away from the graveyard.)
Winston (tailless): Even then I knew things wouldn’t be the same again, but I knew they could turn better.
Winston (tailless): Though looking back, I had absolutely no idea what would happen.
Page 22 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to an overhead shot of the whole city of Hetelville, showing the massive city in all its magnificence. In the sky there’s a large zeppelin flying by alongside a Boeing 747, an angel, some flying buildings (think like Bespin from Star Wars), a courier dragon, a pair of chatting 50s style robots as they fly through the air, a jetpack wearing pirate in a duel with a jetpack wearing ninja, a drag race between flying cars in the distance, and in the window of one of the flying buildings, we can see one of the faerie women in Page 3 Panel 3 (the one who waved to the man in the convertible) having sex with the man she’d waved to earlier, her being on top with a medium sized window looking into her bedroom, two or three more of the faeries from the same panel might be shown doing the same in rooms of their own with different men.)
Winston (tailless): But that’s Hetelville for you. Every minute’s a surprise here.
Page 22 Panel 5
(The camera cuts to a pure black background with nothing seen.)
Winston (tailless): And believe me, sometimes those surprises are pretty life changing.
Page 23 Panel 1
(The camera cuts to a new scene, its night and a white yacht is slowly moving into the harbor, despite it’s light color, the boat gives off an ominous feel of dread. In the sky, a large vampire is flying away from it in fright.)
Page 23 Panel 2
(The camera cuts to Ednit’s right hand, he’s holding a French cigarette in a holder and is talking to one of his subordinates. The scene is set in his office.)
Ednit (offpanel): Are we there yet?
Caligari (offpanel): Almost sir.
Caligari (offpanel): Are you sure we couldn’t start this plan out elsewhere?
Ednit (offpanel): No. Most of my opposition is here.
Ednit (offpanel): If we pull this off right, nobody will be able to challenge us afterwards.
Page 23 Panel 3
(The camera cuts to the three chairs in front of Ednit’s desk. Caligari, Barry, and Dennis are seated there. Caligari has a curious eye raised up raised up and is skeptical about Ednit’s decision. Barry is seated a bit awkwardly due to his huge size, idly picking his teeth with a bone. Dennis is seated in the last one and is looking very, very bored and sharpening his sword, relieved to finally have something to do.)
Ednit (offpanel): Now then, Dennis. Go to shore. I need you to recruit us some henchmen.
Dennis: About Goddamn time!
Ednit (offpanel): No need for the crass treatment Dennis. Now do go to your duties, please.
Page 22 Panel 4
(The camera cuts to Ednit himself, he’s sitting in his chair, now raising the cigarette up to his mouth, he’s giving off the feel of a David Xanatos esque criminal mastermind, and is giving off a smug smirk as he refers to his nemesis.)
Ednit: It’s been a long time…I think it’s time to give Alistair Garth a wake up call.

And there we go, what did you think? This story is the beginning of an awesome story I’ve been planning for a long while, though this version is actually a rewritten version of an older story of mine with the same premise…but I’d wrote that one years ago when I had much less skill in writing, and the version I’m in the process of writing is much, much better and way more awesome, maybe even more so than anything I’ve written so far.

If you’re interested, here’s a link to the script of the first chapter of the old version of Death Valet, if you want, check it out and compare the two (if you do, please let me know what you think, I’d like to see what you have to say about it.) a-fox-of-fanfiction.deviantart…

 

The proofreading for this was done by my best friend in the world :iconitalianschizoidboy:, thanks again for your help dude!
Check out his stuff when you have the time too, he’s even got a Youtube account with some videos where he reads stuff, he’s got a good speaking voice, I recommend that you give them a try sometime.
Update: Here's a link to it: www.deviantart.com/users/outgo…


If anyone is interested in possibly drawing this story, do send me a note so we can discuss this.

 

And on a final note, if you can, try to check out :iconnnp-devgroup:, their leader :iconstrayokatoknight: helped me by giving the inspiration to make this version of the story, and is helping me in making this go from a script…to an actual comic, there’ll be more news on it’s progress in a bit, but not now.

Update: I’d like to add something, the use of the term ‘camera’ in the descriptions is to refer to the panel we’re viewing, as if this is a movie and this is what we’re looking at. This is a comic script, and not a movie script, and a friend of mine pointed out that this could make confusion as he himself mistook this for one first, so I’m telling this just to make sure nobody’s confused about what format this story is.

 

Sayonara!

© 2014 - 2024 A-Fox-Of-Fiction
Comments13
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TheCrimsonFury111's avatar
Having read many graphic novels and comics, along with being an enthusiast for writing such a medium, I just want to start by saying that most of the time I know what I'm talking
about, so I would heavily advise you take every improvement and criticism I present on board.
Pretentiousness aside, I really want to help you improve, because I like your idea and I can tell you don't particularly know how to effectively write comics, which is sad because this
could become something good if developed and produced properly.

The story begins and we're already being introduced to our main protagonist through my most favourite of establishing shots: the black bacground; tragic backstory and all.
Cliched character openings aside, my first major issue which will most definitely be mentioned again, is your apparent lack of consideration for framing on each page; you
need to remember the medium you're writing for, which is heavily visual and so therefore, most of your storytelling should be too. This doesn't necessarily apply to the first
few panels, but you just need to always be thinking where everything is going to appear, especially the placement of speech and key focus points.
The reason I address this  now is for two reasons- first, a lot of the backstory introduced to us could easily be shortened down to allow more room on the page for establishing shots,
as well as not wanting to overwhelm the reader by presenting them with mountains of text on the first page. Obviously, the latter statement was an exaggeration, but you understand
the point I'm attempting to make.
Secondly, is again, the lack of any establishing shots or any context; if you're presenting us with an entirely new world which we are going to spend time in, it would help to get the know
the world itself first. Development of said world can obviously be introduced later, but at this point it would help to know at the least a minuscule amount of context to help aid the storytelling.

Another blaring annoyance on the first page was the pointless inclusion of someone getting fucked ... It's time to stop ok? No more! (chat/comment icon) If this is you're idea to introduce tone, and to warn readers
this comic most likely is going to be more mature, couldn't you have done it in a more subtle way? It's not that this sort of thing offends me, but you include a joke later
on with similar imagery happening to have context beforehand. The joke wasn't that funny, but at least it had context earlier on to give the it actual purpose. This just makes me
feel as if you were horny, and felt the need to write shit like this down simply because mr johnson told you to.
Just please make sure everything that's there needs to be there; it really helps...

Speaking of your main character, his introduction makes him come across as fairly bland, which is pretty unfavourable at this point, as if you want to create a
successful main character who we're going to spend a considerable amount of time with, it would help if they were well, at least interesting. Winston to me anyway,
comes across with little no distinct personality, and can only be described as "the everyman", which isn't always inherently bad, it's just that's kind of it, and you
just seem to rely on this archetype rather than do any sort of good character development with it.

If you wish to keep winston as the everyman, just stick to that and try to develop it in different ways; possibly flip the stereotype on its head and give the reader something
they weren't expecting out of the character; place them in situations they wouldn't typically be in, or allow them to open up in various ways to allow character development and
their likeability, which is vital if you want the reader to root for them, along with keeping them interesting. Please make them interesting. Another thing to keep in mind to
make your characters less dull, is to make sure each and every character has a start, middle, and end. Obviously character arcs cannot be created in single issues, but make
sure to not have each character introduced ending up exactly the same when your story ends, and give them all a goal too, as this makes them feel more important to the plot,
because afterall, a character has to adapt and change over the course of a story, as that's what makes them interesting.

Another possibility you could do is to deliberately retain the stereotypical character aspect throughout for a satire of a character, to create an ironic, self conscious story.
A great example of this done well is The Flash TV show, as the entire series with its collection of characters and stories is extremely cliched, and couldn't be more unoriginal.
This, however benefits the show greatly, as you know the writers have gone all out with each individual stereotype, and it works because it's almost an ironic reflection of the
repetition of modern media and storytelling, whilst still being great fun to watch and enjoy.
So take what they've done on board, and be as cliched as you can, as reading a character of such, can be extremely enjoyable, or on the other hand, you might end up with a so
bad it's good scenario.

Well in terms of story introductions, it's going ok for the most part, but if you want someone to continue reading, your introduction is by far the
most important element. I bring this up because you're final scene in the graveyard is action packed, and for the most part perfectly fine
(we'll get to that later,) but your first few pages just seem to be underwhelming and boring; this wouldn't particularly be a negative if the story you're
trying to tell is fairly low key, and didn't rely on action set pieces to keep the narrative pace flowing, but this story does, and so your introduction
doesn't fit well with with the overall tone of the rest of the script; I would suggest to give it a little more character, and don't shovel the reader with paragraphs of
exposition as soon as they start to read. I'm really getting the vibe that you crammed in all the exposition and backstory first to get it all out the way, simply
because you're filling out a checklist of "things comics have".
Granted, yes, a bit of context and backstory would help get the reader to understand and engage with the plot better, and I neccessarily wouldn't mind reading such
information first off, but only if said information and backstory was interesting to actually read. So I would either cut down on all the exposition and be more visually
interesting, keep all the information but make it interesting to actually read, or create an entirely new introduction.

If I were to suggest improvements, I would take into account my last paragraph, and think about how you could make each panel in the starting pages look more
appealing and interesting, which would be a huge improvement if you conversed with an artist to get their view, as well as discuss how inventive page layout
could be used to your advantage to help retain interest with a reader. Another item you should absoloutely improve is to decide on one tone and stick to it.
This mainly bugs me as your cliche'd opening, as well as the rest of the script could be improved if your tone wasn't all over the place; if you made the entire
the script more ironically cliche'd and satirical, this could work if done right.

Moving swiftly on, the following scene depicting the main location of the comic is nice, and is a good use of establishing shot, as well as a possible central theme
to center your tone around. I suggest this, as you could go with my previous suggestion for approaching the overall tone and focus of the comic; you could attempt to
make every page feel like it's this one, or at least give us the same crazy and imaginative vibe in each page as felt in this one.
Changes like this would help with consistency in your storytelling, as well as making the overall product feel more focused and less scattered.

As more of this world is seen along with it's inhabitants, I can't help but be often confused; you seem to include a mix of both humans and what winston calls "creatures",
which would help to have a tad of context, as sometimes I can't really find purpose in this world because the main location of a comic is in of itself, a character which
we spend a lot of time with. All I'm saying is that if every shot of this city is random and crazy occurances crammed into a single panel, it can feel random and poorly
planned out (back again to the issue of framing,) and so you should think of the city as a character with a personality and distinct feel, because if you had another character
with a random, unfocused feel, they would come across as poorly written and dull; so whilst re writing, I would suggest giving a tad of context or imagery of a similar nature
beforehand to help develop the city, as well as make it more unique and interesting, because it just sounds like this city is foodfights big brother.

Next we move onto my favourite pointless scene in all of this: The T Rex chase. Yes, one of the few displays of badassery by garth, I find to be a waste
of key strokes and a big pace killer. I say this because in the scene previous, we get a promising set up, hopefully a lead to some development and start
to an intruiging mystery, but alas we are given a painfully fruitless and forced attempt at what can only be described as "character development."
Not that I have anything against said idea, it's just that it took you 2 excruciated pages of forced dialouge and "wow" moments; it just feels like it's there because it has to.
You can choose to adapt it or keep it if you want, because after all, the phrase of the day is "It's my own opinion!", so if you really like this scene, go ahead and keep it... although,
if you choose to scrap the scene, I suggest you implement the dialouge within the car (post T-Rex scene,) after the departure from garths house, and before the two reach the
graveyard; ending with the establishing shot seen on page 12 panel 1 for a smooth transition, whilst not affecting the narrative pacing.

The other phrase of the day is "please for the love of god think about the framing", yes I know that this point has been addressed thoroughly, but it's probably one of my major
complaints about your script.
Before you go thinking it, I am fully aware that you might assume this is "only a script and not the comic itself, so shouldn't the focus only be on story and characters?",
but no you'd be wrong in assuming that, as some artist has to decipher the dam thing, and work with that, possibly ending up with a final product which you might be unhappy with;
all because you didn't put any thought into the art side of things, as well as how a reader is going to actually, you know read it.
Just to re iterate, all I'm trying to say is that every page in a comic book should tell a story, and a lot of that story should be told through the visuals, rather than copious          
amounts of dialouge and context; so please just be more mindful with your descriptions, and think about how each page is going to look.

Just to close up this point, I wish to also show you how well page composition can be used to tell story, or orchestrate an entire action scene using creative visuals and colour
palettes:  gyazo.com/3240b99ee84d049bed13…
               gyazo.com/153c46a9ac49c5f6d070…
               gyazo.com/37e208d65735c6facb9f…

I've used each of these examples on numerous occasions; each one takes advantage of panel size, position, and use of colours to show either emotion, pain, and thought processes
of each character.
The first example uses non sequitur transitions for each panel to represent the thoughts of Scott here, by not including actual panels to represent both Knives and Ramona, but
instead using black backgrounds to show that they are seperate to the rest of the page. Panels including Scott use background imagery to clearly communicate to the reader that
he is actually there, and so by placing these black panels of Knives and Ramona next to Scott in a fashion not entirely logical, this panel composition along with the facial
expressions of Mr Pilgrim clearly imply to the reader that he is thinking about each character, and how he feels about both.
Example two is from my absolute favourite artist J.H Williams iii, who is a genius about visual storytelling and pacing, seen to great use in this double page action spread.
The way each panel of the bad guys is jagged and distinctly red in colour, clearly communicates feelings of pain and anger, along with a connection back to our main character
(also with a distinct red colour scheme,) and that she is definetely the one beating them up. The dark shading on her face symbolises the menacing and determined aspect of her
character, and the dull grey background allows readers to focus upon only what they need to; if this was colourful and messy, then you would be distracted by that, and wouldn't
focus upon the important information, which is only what you need to focus upon.
The third, I don't actually know what book it's from, but I use it as it's so good at displaying an intricate mix of action and emotion into a single page layout. The skewed
grid layout, the great use of lines, and points of focus allow the artist to create a sense of speed and dynamic action, greatly increasing the intensity of the scene at hand.
I believe this point of framing is just a dead horse now, so I'm finally going to address other points... PLEASE LEARN FROM THESE EXAMPLES AND TRY TO INCORPORATE AND THINK
ABOUT THESE TECHNIQUES IN YOUR SCRIPT ;-; ... now I'm done.

Since I haven't talked a whole lot about actual story, you should know that I think the initial premise is neat, and the title works well; unfortunately I just find the pay off
and the direction it's seeming to go a little boring, if not lacking imagination. By that, I mean you have this premise which sounds cool and looks like it would be fun, but our
main character doesn't serve a lot of purpose, and it doesn't really feel like this big awesome, action thriller, as I'm told to believe.
So I would suggest you really get to know the type of writing and story you're trying to tell, and read up a tad on existing stories and comic books of a similar nature to yours;
I was actually reminded of a neat mini series I read a while back called "Bloodstone", which ironically is about monster hunting, and is a great over the top example of such
a story. The main character was later featured in another series called "Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E", which was absolutely superb, and took the over the top vibe even further by
making the monsters explode when they were shot ... holy fucking cow that is an awesome concept, and that awesomeness is felt throughout the entire book, unlike your script which
really just tries to create these scenes once or twice with no rhyme or reason, but only incorporated to serve as the "action" part of your "action thriller", as well as to mimic existing
material much better than it.
Look, just write your story with an established tone as early on as possible, and stick to it on every page and every panel; if a page doesn't feel the same as that established
tone, write it again so it does. And for the love of god be creative with it.

Almost bringing this review to a close, I would now like to address a minor point, rather than a major one to talk about the character of vomir.
Vomir appears to be your bogstandard vampire, nothing wrong with that, so ok let's continue reading... mhm... ok... wait... um?... JonTron - Wat (F2U) 
I know you might be trying a different character personality, but does he really have to sound so opposite to what years of media exposure and stereotypes have led me to believe
vampires should typically be like? Going from mysterious vampire conjurer to a hormonal, egotistical teenager may, just may sound awfully stupid and out of character.
Seriously, does he have to say "What the monkey jizzing, elephant fornicating, holy fuck did you do??!!" Cmon, I've never heard a vampire say something that stupid since Twilight
was released; that's just lazy writing, couldn't you be a little more creative with it?

I also feel the need to address that your final scene is a neat attempt at a cliffhanger ending and set up for a larger mystery, along with a good insentive to read on. Ahahaha it
doesn't mean shit because the rest of the script is blander than a potato farm, so why would I want to read on? Filthy Frank: ROASTED Oh well, let's hope a re write yields a focused narrative ...

So in summary, I like your original premise and ideas, and I don't like how it's not what it says on the tin; I was promised an action packed thriller about monster hunting, instead,
I read a bland attempt at a thriller with little to no imagination, apart from the odd cool concept and joke. Alternatively, I haven't read anything else you've wrote about the series,
and this is only a draft script, so of course it's not going to be great, and this may be a simple matter of not my taste.
So if you felt like any of this mindless rambling has helped you in any way shape or form, great, I really hope you write a better version, because as much as I seem to dislike
your script, I can definetely see its potential with a certain audience.

I part with a kind farewell, and a sincere good luck to you; I'm now off to cry about the EU referendum, cya nerd...